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Life as a married couple with children can be a hectic whirlwind where you’re flying by the seat of your pants. It’s hard to get time alone when you have multiple kids, let alone intimate time. Most of the time it’s like the kids are ruling you. That’s exactly why you should make your marriage a priority, even at the expense of your children.
The Value of Marriage
Marriage is the most valuable relationship in the family, after all, it was the union that brought those children into the world. You managed to find the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You settled down, had children, and built a life together. Along the way, that valuable relationship can fall into the background in lieu of raising children. That’s a shame. A marriage can be so much more than two people mindlessly parenting children until it’s time for bed.
When done right a marriage can be a bond that holds a family together. It’s an escape into comfort for two people at the end of a rough day. It’s another adult to have a grown-up conversation that doesn’t involve Kid #1’s blanky that went missing or Kid #4’s rough day at daycare (real conversations in our house). Valuing your marriage is the most important investment you’ll make in your children’s lives.
Parenting Is a Partnership
The bond created when you married your spouse doesn’t have to evaporate when you have children. Instead, it needs to turn into a partnership that helps the whole family strengthen. Two people working for a common goal are better than two individuals.
That partnership also means someone to share the burdens that come with raising children. There are moments of doubt, frustration, and stress that can be a heavy weight if carried alone. Take solace in the presence of another person to lighten the load, after all, isn’t a load shared more easily carried?
A Healthy Marriage Models Behavior for Your Children
In any relationship there are ups and downs. That’s simply a fact of life. There are moments when one of you will lose your temper, saying something that was better left unsaid. It’s best if those moments happen away from the children, but let’s face it, sometimes it’s unavoidable. If the children see you argue, they should also see the resolution. The ability to apologize and forgive are skills your children can best adopt when seen in their parents.
Seeing a loving relationship as an example in their own home will help them develop healthy relationships of their own. What will your children learn from seeing their parents in different rooms every night after work? How will they learn to effectively communicate when their own parents are sitting right beside each other staring at their phones instead of talking? Healthy relationships start in the home, and they start with the two people closest to your children. You and your spouse.
Having an Outlet Eases Anxiety
Who feels the brunt of your wrath when your anxiety morphs into anger because you don’t have an outlet? Your children. Putting your marriage first takes the pressure off the children to be perfect little angels. Let’s face it, they aren’t angels, and that’s okay. Vent to your spouse when you’re frustrated. Go out to dinner when you need a break. Have the kids stay with a trusted friend or family member when you want to pull your hair out. Get that time however you can. Since I also have a full-time job in addition to writing, my evenings are spent at the desk in the corner of our bedroom. Most nights my wife lies in bed while I write (in fact, she’s there now). We can talk or just spend time together while I am working on a novel or an article. Whatever you do, find that outlet with your partner that takes the focus away from the children and back on your relationship.
It’s Okay to Have Adult Time
That brings us to the next point: don’t feel guilty about taking time away from the children to focus on your relationship. Feeling guilty seems to be a natural part of being a parent. You feel guilty because you’re spending too much time at work. You feel guilty because you’re spending too much time with one child and not another. You feel guilty because you missed Timmy’s tee ball practice. Feeling guilty because you focus on the relationship with your spouse isn’t as common. That’s likely because most parents simply aren’t doing it.
Spending time away from your children is good for your mental health. It gives you time to recharge your battery so you can be everything you need to be for them. You shouldn’t feel guilty about that, especially if you’re spending time with the person helping you raise those little darlings.
Ignoring Your Relationship Is a Recipe for Disaster
Let me take you through a scenario. Your entire life has revolved around raising your children. For two decades it was the only thing your spouse and you focused on. You made sacrifices in your relationship in order to give the children the attention they deserved. You can’t remember the last time you went out with your spouse. Then your youngest graduates from high school and moves away for college. Suddenly, it’s just the two of you in that big house. Two people who haven’t had an adult conversation or spent quality time together in years. What if you’re both different people than you were when you fell in love?
Divorce rates among adults over 50 have doubled in recent decades, a shift researchers at Bowling Green University have called the “gray divorce” trend. It’s a transitional period, when children move out and priorities change. Some couples have difficulties coping with it. Making your relationship a focal point while you’re raising children will give you tools to handle the transition with grace.
Conclusion
Your marriage is the most influential relationship in your household. It’s the heart of your family, if it isn’t healthy, the rest of the body will suffer. It’s the foundation of your family, and the building blocks for the way your children build relationships both now and in the future. Focus on your relationship with your spouse, your children’s future depends on it.
Stephen M. Roth
Stephen Michael Roth 